Sherlock BBC Prompting Meme

"we get all sorts around here."


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Concrit Post (Beta)
Giggles at the Palace
sherlockbbc_fic
This is an entirely optional and opt-in constructive criticism post.

The idea is that people who want to receive constructive criticism can start a thread here by either

a) posting their fill here first to receive brit-picking/suggestions for improvement prior to posting the fill as a response to the prompt
or
b) linking to their fill after it's been posted to the prompt to receive constructive criticism which will help them in the future.

This is entirely opt-in, if you're not interested in receiving constructive criticism (or britpicking, and it might be a good idea to specify which if you only want one) then don't comment here.

For people giving constructive criticism, concrit is advice for improving fic, if you simply don't like the way something is written, that's not something that's helpful to point out.

As always, be civil and have fun.

If you have any questions, as always we can be contacted on the Page-a-Mod post.

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I requested this anon concrit page, so here I am, taking the plunge!

I started a WIP called "The 7 Kinks of Sherlock", of which I have written 3 "kinks". This link will get you to the prompt and all parts of the fill. There's a short intro, then the first and second "kinks" have warnings on them. The third kink does not. Each "kink" can stand alone as a story, so although I do hope someday to write the other 4, you won't be left "hanging" as it were, if you just read these.

http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/5950.html?thread=26574398#t26574398

Any and all feedback is helpful, thank you!

7 kinks concrit

(Anonymous)
Meant to include a subject header for easier conversation tracking - thanks.

Re: 7 kinks concrit (Anonymous) Expand
Re: 7 kinks concrit (Anonymous) Expand

Spanking John concrit

(Anonymous)
I wrote both fills for this prompt (below). Porn is so hard to write! And I'm too embarrassed to go back and re-read. so please help me out with anything I can do to improve! I plan to write more in the series so advice for suture installments will be helpful. Thanks!

http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/6487.html?thread=34216535#t34216535

Re: Spanking John concrit

(Anonymous)
Ah, sorry - I can't help you there: I loved every word, thought the pacing was great and the porn red hot. All I can say is I'll be checking daily for number 3, especially if Lestrade's the spanker!

... erm, not very constructive, this, but honestly they're great. Perhaps some classic OTK hand-spanking at some point?

Re: Spanking John concrit (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Spanking John concrit (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Spanking John concrit (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Spanking John concrit (Anonymous) Expand
Oooh, go on then. I keep meaning to mark my stuff as up for concrit, and then forgetting.

My latest fill is here:

http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/9640.html?thread=47384232#t47384232

(Can't Start A Fire Without A Spark - just in case another fill appears!)

The cleaned up version is here (On AO3):

http://archiveofourown.org/works/216587

I'm most interested in concrit on content, rather than SPaG, but I'll take anything!

Thank you.


Re: J/L fairly PWPy

(Anonymous)
This was an enjoyable story with an interesting premise. Your descriptions are vivid, pulling the reader into the reality of your fic, and your characterizations feel spot-on. John and Lestrade sound very much like they do in the series, which is harder to pull off than many people realize.

The first sex scene was erotic (and blessedly non-cliched), and a real pleasure to read. The second sex scene (twenty years later) was written just about the same, which means it was in and of itself of good quality. The one problem is that it's a near-exact copy of the first, which renders it a little less interesting to the reader. You might have been going for pointing out the parallels in their experience, but I think you need to trust the reader to get the similarities while adding some variety to the action.

I thought you handled the "non-recognition" part of the plot as well as you could, but a couple of minor touches might make it more believable. "Lestrade" is not a common name, and it's hard to believe that John wouldn't remember it, even years later. You might think about John mis-hearing the name or not getting it at all. Considering that Lestrade was already a member of the Met by then, it wouldn't be strange for him to give a false name, either. However, I really loved the change in Lestrade's appearance between his punked-out clubbing youth and his DI look 20 years later.

My last critique is purely personal taste, so don't attach too much weight to it, but it felt to me that the recognition scene leapt almost directly to sex, without much thought for the baggage each man now carried, especially in regards to Sherlock. "That night twenty years ago was the best sex I ever had!" might be John's feeling, but I thought each man would at least consider the change to their professional working relationship (and effect on Sherlock) before they leapt into bed together. That was the only part that felt OOC to me.

The plot moved along quickly and kept the reader involved, and the touches of humor were delightful (i.e. "borrowing lube from the roommate"). Good job, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

Re: J/L fairly PWPy (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/L fairly PWPy (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/L fairly PWPy (Anonymous) Expand

J/S, plotty, angsty

(Anonymous)
Oh, I'm so glad this is happening.

Anyway, this is from a bit ago, but I'm working on cleaning it up for posting non-anon. I have a beta, but any concrit OR brit-picking would be appreciated:

Best Laid Plans (which -- terrible working title). Moriarty frames John for Sherlock's death:

http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/8651.html?thread=42428875#t42428875

Re: J/S, plotty, angsty

(Anonymous)
If I listed every passage that I found beautiful or incredibly vivid, I'd be copying half of your fic here, so let's just get on with it :p

Some incongruity - the first paragraph of 7a is a little unconvincing - he's been a hostage for 36 hours and only used the toilet twice. Then, in 7b (the paragraph begins, "Fury overwhelmed him..."), it is stated that he's been there for three days.

Part 8 is perfect and heartbreaking.

In part 9, you describe the guard as having a "rumbled" jumper, and I think you meant "rumpled".

Part 11 makes my heart hurt! Oh god, the angst! I love this fic, seriously.

I think the ending could use some work - the tension during the main conflict was delicious, just building and building, which makes such a succinct ending feel unsatisfying. Maybe just flesh it out some more, give us a few scenes between the hospital and the kiss?

Seriously though, all in all, this is fucking fantastic.

Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand
Re: J/S, plotty, angsty (Anonymous) Expand

Creatively constipated - need a kick in pants or something

(Anonymous)
I haven't really written for several years because of personal stuff that was going on, I'm trying to get back into the swing of writing, but sometimes it's like trying to squeeze blood from a stone.

So I'm doing this fill here: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/10038.html?thread=49359158#t49359158

and I'm just stuck on where to go with it. I wanted to make it slashy, since my own experiences with bromo-mescaline were intensely erotic. But I've just hit a wall. Suggestions? Concrit? HALP?? Thanks!

Re: Creatively constipated - need a kick in pants or something

(Anonymous)
Right now, John's nearly getting off to the music. Do he and Sherlock have an established sexual relationship? John's not in his right mind, Sherlock might find interacting with John uncomfortable since John's likely going to be pretty mad about the drugs when they wear off, would he try to back off interacting with John to prevent some likely future awkwardness or worse? What about John, does he want to do this specifically with Sherlock or would any source of sensation do? Is he as far out of himself on the drugs as he appears to be, is he resisting the effects, will he try resisting if he suddenly realises Sherlock might not be comfortable helping him get off, even if it's from across the room with sound waves. Or could John be playing into the sensations because he wants to do this kind of thing with Sherlock and has for a while, but hasn't found the nerve to make an approach?

New thought. PTSD. What if John's trip goes bad? Full surround flashbacks enhanced by a hallucinogen, Sherlock trying to keep John on the rails, riding out the drugs effect, watching him sleep in case of relapse, John getting annoyed about the drugs in the morning, then discussion of the whole sex-music thing and that they both want the same thing, then sex.

Or dub-con. Sherlock keeps playing, John keeps pushing him to play, or starts experimenting with other sensations and Sherlock goes along because he's wanted this, but doesn't know if John does or it's just the drugs.

There's aspects of angst inherent to the situation that you can use to push the plot. Where you've stopped is right where the questioning would start, and that might be what's holding you up. Sherlock is both the character the story is being told from and the character who is undrugged, so he has a great deal of responsibility in the situation towards John's well-being, and he can take advantage of that or he can resist.

There you are, some suggestions and things to consider.

Help Please

(Anonymous)
This is a little something I started. If people like it (it's fluffy) I plan it covering Sherlock and John's live from a small character (The falls, cases, garibes, and well eventual get together :D) So any thoughts woould be lovely if I sould continue it



http://scorpiontales.livejournal.com/818.html

Re: Help Please

(Anonymous)
May I ask a question? I don't wish to offend you in any way, but are you a native English speaker? There are some terms in your request that I can't quite understand in context (garibes, falls), and the concrit you receive may be affected by this.

English has many nitpicky grammar rules that may not be as relevant to this story as overall plot critique. Please let us know which you prefer to receive, and good luck with your story!

Re: Help Please (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Help Please (Anonymous) Expand

Silly 5+1 noisy sex fic, J/S

(Anonymous)
Hi,

I just finished up this fill, and it's the first time I've posted Sherlock fic that ventures into the sexually explicit. I seem to have gotten there via the lighthearted route. Hurrah!

Thus, I'd love to read any concrit concerning the schmexings (as well as any non-sex-scene features that might call for attention). What works for you? What doesn't?

Here it is: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/7277.html?thread=36784237#t36784237

Thanks!

Re: Silly 5+1 noisy sex fic, J/S

(Anonymous)
Is it okay if I just say that I found that completely adorable? :D

Smallish fill in need of brit-pick and grammar check. 1/?

(Anonymous)
This is going to be a smallish fill. Really, lestrades ruminations on Sherlock's feelings for John(and lestrade). I am a new yorker. I've done some research and have tried my best. I have had a learning difficulty with grammar and punctuation(dyslexia and some other stuff thrown in).


I've known Sherlock Holmes for over five years. Despite what many want to believe, he wasn't an addict. He wasn't a criminal. He wasn't living on the streets. He was an annoying git who would stand behind the police tape and simultaneously hurl insults and theories. When one of his theories led to the capture of a long sought murderer, I allowed him to cross the tape. While Sherlock's presence in my life has been one of constant internal disruption, he plays an intregal part in capturing the most violent and disturbed offenders.

Yes, Mycroft proposed I 'report' his brothers activites. And yes, I refused him. Over time, Mycroft raised his price. I raised my voice.

In the second year of meeting him I established something of a connection with Sherlock. While he'd never label me a friend, he was the first person I saw when I awoke in Hospital after being stabbed by a particularly enraged suspect. After looking me in the eyes for all of three seconds, he nodded once, stood and left without a word.

Three weeks after I was stabbed I visited Sherlock. Upon entering his flat, I became aware of a very distinctive smell. I remember wanting to slug the man. Instead, I walked up to him, pulled out my mobile and began dialing. Mycroft answered on the second ring. I told him that his brother was cooking meth. Mycroft responded by hanging up. Sherlock responded by calling me a varity of colourful names and insisting he was conducting an experiment. He then proceeded to list all the ways in which drugs could destroy one's mind. When I asked him if he had ever tried anything, he simply raised an eyebrow and proclaimed that the experience left him violently ill. Mycroft arrived ten minutes after I phoned him. He had four men with him.

Mycroft walked away with a smug smile, his men with the remaining meth. Sherlock remained in his flat. He had obtained a rather impressive black eye after unsucsessfully trying to punch his brother. I made tea.

One wouldn't think a simple cuppa would endear a man to you. But after that day, Sherlock used mundane rather than creative insults, he'd respond to my texts nearly every time and, once in a while, he would smile.



Re: Smallish fill in need of brit-pick and grammar check. 1/?

(Anonymous)
I'm really enjoying this! I like the style - I find it engaging.

concrit for "Bad Day"

I wrote a small fill for this prompt, the cleaned up version can be found here

I had someone read over it, so I guess in the cleaned up version most typos should be removed and it is britpicked - but English isn't my native language so I'm glad for any advice on what I could do better in future

Re: concrit for "Bad Day"

(Anonymous)
I enjoyed this when I first read it. I offer some style comments, a grammar/punctuation issue, a minor brit-pick, and a bit of character feedback.

Style: You repeat the word 'taxi' a lot. This is Sherlock's current obsession :-) but it's still a little overdone. Also you tend to be on the wordy side. This makes your sentences unwieldy at times, can be taxing for the readers and makes your essential meaning harder to find.

For example, in place of this:
Why today of all days couldn't he seem to find a taxi? He'd never had a problem before getting one, no matter what everyone else said about the impossible task of getting a taxi in London.

I recommend:
Why today of all days couldn't he find a taxi? He'd never had this problem before, no matter what everyone else said about the impossibility of this task in London.

Generally it's better not to start sentences with 'and'. I do this a lot myself (and get called on it by my beta :-) so I'm sympathetic to its use, but the two paragraphs you have starting with 'And' really would be better off without it.

Some of your sentences are run-ons, with only a comma dividing the two parts where there should be an 'and' or a semi-colon or two separate sentences:
He just didn’t get why John had started to yell at him, had thrown his almost finished experiment away.

Recommend:
He just didn’t get why John had yelled at him and had thrown his almost finished experiment away.

(minor brit-pick: for 'garbage' use 'rubbish'.

For:
Sherlock looked around again, in a last attempt to get a taxi, he really didn’t want to walk for another 30 minutes in this weather to get home.

Recommend:
Sherlock looked around again for a taxi. He really didn’t want to walk for another 30 minutes in this weather to get home.

For:
But now she was looking at him, she seemed almost concerned. Sherlock was puzzled, why should this girl be concerned about him, a grown up man she didn’t even know?

Recommend:
But now she was looking at him; she seemed almost concerned. Sherlock was puzzled: Why should this girl be concerned about him, a grown up man she didn’t even know?

Up to here your Sherlock strikes me as very IC. His reaction to the girl is harder to picture. Obviously the prompt was that he should be cheered up, and I think with this story you can do that whilst still retaining Sherlock's social oblivion.

Sherlock smiled back at her, despite himself. You include the 'despite himself', but you fail to convince the reader that there's any reason he should smile here 'despite himself'. He's still wet and cold and lonely and miserable. I think you need to spell out a bit why/how this little girl with her concern for him and her delight in the rain and her ladybird wellies would make him suddenly smile.

Also, Sherlock strikes me as much more verbose than he would ordinarily be in such a casual encounter; he's unusually considerate of the girl's feelings: 'You are right'; 'See, you made me smile anyway'.

Some of what he says to her could be his own inner thoughts that are shared with the reader. Perhaps he smiles at the thought of tea at home. Perhaps he doesn't smile until he's in the taxi, thinking of the girl's concern.

I hope this feedback is helpful to you! I enjoyed your ficlet and the opportunity to provide concrit.

Concrit for Healer!John fill

(Anonymous)
Fill here: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/9100.html?thread=45103756#t45103756

So this is still a wip, but when it's done I'd like to clean it up, and I thought I might as well start getting suggestions now. Interested in any comments you might have, whether it's on content, grammar, or Americanisms. Thanks!

Re: Concrit for Healer!John fill

(Anonymous)
Hi! I'm sorry you've been overlooked for so long; somehow your request sort of blended in with many other requests on the page, and I didn't see it until last night.

Anyway, you've done a brilliant job with this story. I am completely caught up in it and in your world-building, and I can hardly wait for the next part! John is fascinating and multidimensional (not meant in the sci-fi sense ^^), and you've brought him almost to the point of meeting up with Sherlock, so all systems are go!

It took a bit of hunting to find a few things to critique, because you have a wonderful command of language, not to mention excellent SPaG skills, However, here are a couple of nitpicks:

Brit-speak: I'm an American as well, so I'm hardly an expert on Brit-picking, but there were just a couple of lines of dialogue that rang a little more Yank than Brit to me. One is in section 3a:

“I suppose you’d rather I spend my life broke?” she asks him dryly.

For some reason, "broke" sounds very American to me. I yield to the superior knowledge of any Brits who read this, but wouldn't the slang term be "skint"?

Next bit is in section 8a: “Well?” she says. “Eat your veggies, John, or no dessert.” Again, I might be wrong, but I think that would sound better if it was, "Eat your veg, John, or no pudding."

(Of course, me being a Yank, whenever I hear pudding used for every type of dessert, I keep picturing Brits being buried under stacks of plastic Jello pudding cups at the end of their meals, with Bill Cosby happily dumping more onto the pile.)

Okay, the last critique is a bit less silly. I noticed that from section 3b to 6b, the story is purely exposition. And yes, I realize that Exposition is in the title, but there is a side-effect to using this technique for too long. You are basically telling instead of showing during this long phase, and although the facts are fascinating, you have created an emotional distance from the characters. Thus, John's lover David seems like a cardboard cutout with no known personality, whereas Bill Murray pops off the page in full color in Section 7a, his dialogue with John rendering his character whole and three-dimensional. The same goes for Harry and John in Sections 1-3a and in 7b.

Adding dialogue will add length to the story and slow the action, but I think it's worthwhile in the emotional payoff for the reader.

Finally, I love your creativity in using John's gift to help him sense the location of the sniper, and thus hit him with a perfect shot; it's a great explanation for how an army doctor managed to develop such amazing aim.

I eagerly look forward to more of this story; please keep writing!

his dark materials fusion concrit needed

I'm working on a rough chapter of my His Dark Materials fusion WIP. I feel like I'm completely overwriting it, but at the same time I'm desperate to give it a different feel and a different depth (and a different plot twist) than the scene we saw in canon. So I could really use some concrit on it, both from those angles and from any angles you think are necessary.

And Britpicking. I've been pretty lazy about it up 'til now.

You may find it necessary to have read what comes before this in the WIP, but I haven't posted the parts immediately preceding this yet so maybe not. I consider the entire fic to be a WIP not just in that it's not completed yet, but because the chapters already posted are second or third drafts, not final ones. (The WIP thing is a bit of an experiment for me this time around.) Necessary details to know are that Seq is John's daemon and a dingo, and Sherlock's daemon (Ansel) has not settled yet, which is supposed to be impossible.


The first thing John does when he wakes up is cry out, "Seq!"

The second thing he does is vomit.

"She's a beautiful dog," a voice sings into his ear. John heaves again, moaning. His skin feels like it's slipping off his bones, rotting away. He claws at his shoulders, at the slime and greasy fat underneath his flesh. "Beeeeyootiful. So soft! Pity I can't skin her, she'd make a lovely coat."

"Not a dog," John mumbles into his chest, rocking back and forth on his hands and knees like a baby who's not quite figured out how to crawl. Is this what it had felt like to Sherlock, when John had picked up Ansel and carry her out of the smoke? Is this what he was supposed to feel, when Sherlock had held John's soul in his arms? "Not a dog, not a dog --"

"Tell me her name, John," Moriarty coaxes. "Her full name."

"Sequilen," John says, the words falling from his mouth with a copious amount of drool. "Her name is Sequilen."

"Sequilen," Moriarty breathes, and his voice seems to slither into John's ear like a noxious sludge. "I have her, John. I have your heart. Now bring me Sherlock's."

There's a bang as a door opens. "I have the plans," Sherlock's voice rings out. John slams his fist into the tile, tears leaking out from the corners of his eyes as his last hope that Sherlock would not be crazy enough to come here disappears. Damn him, damn them both, he should have known better, should have known that Sherlock couldn't resist this.

"Time to rise and shine," Moriarty hisses into his ear. "Do as your told and repeat after me -- that's a good dog."

John can barely stand. Every step feels as if his bones are grinding into powder. He keeps his eyes squeezed shut, certain that if he looks down, looks at himself, he'll see his skin sloughing off with necrosis, abscesses bubbling into the muscle, his humanity rotting away every second he's separated from his soul, every second Moriarty has his hands on her. He knows he's not, he knows he is the very picture of health, but inside his head he is dying.

He stumbles out onto the deck of the pool and repeats after Moriarty. "Well, Sherlock, this is a turn-up." He has to force the words out through a tight throat, choking on each one.

He pries his eyes open to find Sherlock, open-mouthed and bloodless, staring at him. Beside him is a massive cat -- a jaguar, a leopard maybe, fur so black it seems to absorb the light around her. John is certain that Ansel hadn't walked in the door that way. He's never seen her take this form before. John's ribs feel as if they're pulled outward, like he's floating apart at the sight of just how real Sherlock is, of how much of him there is -- that indominatable brain, that inescapable personality, that ridiculous, insane, perfect dæmon. John is less than half a human being.

The longing to feel Seq standing beside him is so great that he gropes helplessly at the empty air under his hand. He will never let her go, never let her out of his sight, never again, as soon as this ends. When this ends.

"Tell him that you bet he never saw this coming," Moriarty hisses in his ear. "Make him believe it's been you all along. I want him to break."

Re: his dark materials fusion concrit needed

John takes a deep breath. He is shaking so hard that it sounds like the desperate inhalation of someone who has been sobbing for hours. "I bet ..." He curls his hands into fists at his side. If he doesn't sell this, Moriarty will continue to torture them. Will kill Seq. Will kill them. "I bet you never saw this coming."

"John?"

The betrayal in Sherlock's voice hits John like a blow to the solar plexus. He can already see the parts sliding into place in Sherlock's mind, interlocking as he reorders the data to find the conclusion, so very, very wrong. John wishes they had some sort of signal, some twitch of his fingers or nod of his head to say, No, Sherlock, it's me, and I need help.

And then he realizes, and quickly turns his head to the side. He hears Sherlock's strangled noise when he sees the earpiece tucked into John's ear -- relief, anger, confusion all pushed into one exhalation.

"Seq," Ansel says, as she begins to understand as well. "Sherlock, the, the lunatic ... Seq's not with John."

Sherlock grabs for Ansel as unconsciously as John had pawed the air in front of him. "Whoever you are," he said, the steadiness in his voice not once betraying the emotions John had heard just a moment before, "I want to speak to you directly."

Moriarty laughs, and John's hand goes to his own throat, squeezing to keep a sound from escaping. He is hit with the urge to dig his fingers in through flesh he's sure is oozing with decay, wrap around his ruined trachea, yank it out of himself. The skin under his palm is smooth, unmarred, and John can hardly breathe. "I can make him say anything," Moriarty says, and John dutifully parrots along with him. "What would you like me to make him say next?"

"Where's his dæmon?" Sherlock demands. "What have you done with her?"

John drops to his knees. "We're not there yet," Moriarty and John say. "I want to talk shop, Sherlock. You've picked a lovely place for it, the pool where little Carl died."

"Where you killed his dæmon," Sherlock says.

"I stopped his heart," a voice rings out. The door at the rear of the pool bangs into the wall. John tears the earpiece from his head as Sherlock pulls a gun out of his pocket. The echoes from the slammed door die away, and under them John can hear Seq howling -- not the powerful, territorial howl she usually lets out, the sound that has lesser dæmons pinning their ears down and cowering, but a high pitched howl that sounds closer to a scream. It is the sound John has been making inside his head ever since Moriarty grabbed her. "I can stop John Watson's too," Moriarty says. "Do you see?"

John twists his body around to see Moriarty walking towards them, a spring in his step, looking for all the world like a man taking his dog for a stroll.

His hand is wrapped around a collar on Seq's neck, knuckles pressing deeply into her fur. John manages one pathetic crawl toward them, as Seq yelps and twists in Moriarty's grip. He hears Ansel let out a low, pained moan.

"You should've called," Moriarty says, and John fights the need to tear at his skin, rippling with goosebumps at the sheer lunacy in Moriarty's voice. "We could've had this chat in person. Perhaps gone on a date! Jim from IT and Sherlock the chemist, Jim, the mad bomber and Sherlock, the man who doesn't know his own soul."

He keeps walking toward them, and John knows that if Seq weren't weakened from the pain of someone touching her, having kept his hands on her for hours at this point, she'd have ripped his arm out of the socket, sank her teeth into his leg and shaken until it separated from his body. He knows because it is what he wants to do to Moriarty, but he can barely hold his head up.

Original commenter. (Anonymous) Expand

John & Moran and their unbearable men

For starters, I SO love this idea of concrit! Not being a native speaker I pretty much write everything with wiktionary, wikipedia and google translate tool at hand, so concrit is very much welcomed.

Well, I finally finished a fill! Been working on it for a while now (about two months :P) and would very much like some concrit. It was not brit-picked or beta'ed yet.

Fill for this prompt: http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/6487.html?thread=32289111#t32289111
On my LJ: http://annievh.livejournal.com/63445.html

Re: John & Moran and their unbearable men

Great fill, I like it a lot. Funny and still tense. Your English is very good, there were just a few mistakes I noticed. In the third paragraph, "...the scar he had giving him..." should be "...the scar he had given him...".

You made some fairly regular mistakes involving punctuation with dialogue. If the sentence is continued after the dialogue ends, then the first word outside of the dialogue should not be capitalized and periods should be replaced with commas (though exclamation points or question marks remain the same). So instead of "Don't doubt that for a second." Said John... it should be "Don't doubt that for a second," said John....

There was one word I wasn't sure about. The quote was: "At that thought, John pulled very softly at his restraints, trying not to look despaired." 'Despaired' doesn't work, but I wasn't sure if you meant 'despairing' (hopeless, given up to despair), or desperate (reckless because of despair or urgency; having an urgent need or desire). Either would work there.

There weren't any brit-picking problems that I noticed, but I'm American, so I'm pretty likely to miss all but the most obvious.

Hope that helped? As I said, I really enjoyed your story.

Request concrit for Collect it at the Borderline

(Anonymous)
I've never had a beta so I'm not sure what to ask for. The fic in question was for this prompt:

Sherlock says/does something that deeply hurts John.

Combined with a string of other painful events, John belives suicide is the only way out.

As he is about to kill himself, mycroft finds him.


The link for my fic is here (please note warnings):

http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/9100.html?thread=47299468#t47299468


Any advice you could give would be useful, except maybe Brit-picking because I am English! My particular worry is the fourth part, because I spent so long over it that I lost all judgement. Still, any help will be appreciated!

Re: Request concrit for Collect it at the Borderline

(Anonymous)
You've done a good job with a difficult prompt, especially since the prompt takes John's character a little further out than canon. Your flow is good, and the action moves along. But you asked for concrit, so I'll touch on a couple of things you could tweak a bit.

In the first section, you have an abundance of adverbs, more than you need (your descriptions of the character actions and expressions are far more effective than the -ly words). There are also a few problem in context of those adverbs and other words, especially in this section:


'Right,' he said shallowly. Her face creased with pity, and he swallowed the bitterness to put on a smile. 'You’re right, this is better.'

He left as soon as he was politely able.

John expected at least an 'I told you it wouldn’t last' when he got home. There wasn’t one, because Sherlock was in one of his not talking phases. John would have preferred a smug witticism to the miasma of gloom that permeated the flat. That probably explained why Sarah had broken it off.

-/-

"Shallowly" isn't quite the right word, and if you read the sentence through, you don't need an adverb at all. The same goes for "politely" in the next sentence.

The last sentence in the example is confusing. What explains why Sarah broke it off? Sherlock not talking? John preferring smug witticisms? Why would that affect Sarah? You need to be a little more specific in describing what the explanation is for the breakup and how it relates to Sherlock's sulks.

The next part also has an unnecessary (and incorrectly used) adverb in "dumbly." Again, the fact that you used horrified to describe John's state of mind means that you don't need an adverb at all, since you wrote a perfectly adequate adjective.

-/-

'Sorry,' he said dumbly, horrified at his body’s untimely betrayal. The interviewer assured him it was fine. John knew the reality was anything but.

It had been arrogance to think that he’d been fixed, that he had found a way above his PTSD. It was crushing to find that he hadn’t been fixed, that he was back where he started a year ago.

'It didn’t go well then,' Sherlock said flippantly.

'No,' John agreed. A few hours later, as he was enjoying a few conciliatory beers, he got a surprise phone call.

-/-

The term "conciliatory" is not the correct one; John isn't trying to apologize to anyone for anything. I think you want "consolatory" or "consoling"--he's trying to comfort himself.

The action picks up, and the story really starts moving at this point. Sherlock seems out of character in his distance and apparent lack of concern about John, but I understand that to accommodate the alternate pairing, Sherlock and John can't loom as large in each other's lives as they do in canon.

I also appreciate your efforts in describing the many manifestations of depression, including the medication-induced impotence. I think you went to a lot of trouble to write a sensitive, emotional story, which really shows through. I have just one last quibble with the ending. Since you seem to be going for a degree of realism in depicting depression, John's announced intention of going off his meds when he is still clearly far from being stabilized is significantly out of character and reckless. John is a doctor; he would know full well that one doesn't just stop taking antidepressants without risking a sudden plunge into suicidal tendencies (not to mention physical complications). If John means to explore a possible sexual relationship with Mycroft, then he would probably consult with his doctor about trying a different type of antidepressant that minimizes the sexual side-effects. Your Mycroft would naturally be patient and understanding until John found the medication he needed to keep him happy in all aspects of his life.

Good job; it was an absorbing story!

Re: Adverbs (Anonymous) Expand
Re: Adverbs (Anonymous) Expand

FILL: Untitled: Non-con Prompt (Concrit/Brit-pick)

Yay! I'm so happy this is here! I've taken a huge leap out of my comfort zone in filling this Non-Con prompt, and while the first chapter was beautifully Betad, my lovely Beta-reader/Brit-picker has gotten totally overwhelmed in her life and I didn't want to add any more to her plate so I just posted the second section without a second reader. (Had I known this thread was here before I posted, I'd have just posted here, but oh well).

Anyway, this is my first time with a Non-Con fic as well as my first time writing very explicit sex. (Not so much in the first two sections, but the next one...IDEK how I'm going to write this). Any feedback on the second section especially (2a-2d), specifically Brit-Picking as well as anything that just rings false, please let me know. Any other comments are also welcome. I'm going to post this to AO3 and FF.net when it's finished and I'd like to have a solid version.(Also, thoughts on a title? I was toying with "Educare" (sp?) from Greek which I think means 'to draw out'.

Link: (prompt and FILL): http://sherlockbbc-fic.livejournal.com/10038.html?thread=49402678#t49402678

Re: FILL: Untitled: Non-con Prompt (Concrit/Brit-pick)

(Anonymous)
Sorry that you had to wait so long for input (where are my fellow critiquing anons? ;P). I'll try to do my best, although this type of prompt is a little difficult for me. (Not triggering or anything for me; just a popular trope I usually don't emotionally connect with.)

Anyway, to start:

"When Sherlock was twelve years old and had outpaced his peers in science, and Mummy hired a graduate student from a local university to help her youngest son achieve his potential."

You at least need to eliminate the "and" that comes just before "Mummy". I assume it's just a typo, so I'll give you an overall hint to quality-check any part of your fic; print out the story before you edit. In my case, I can look at the computer monitor and never catch simple mistakes, because my brain autocorrects for what I -mean- to say. The reason I'm mentioning a simple typo is that it's in the first sentence of your story, which is the most important in pulling the reader in.

Another thing is that the fic starts in Sherlock's close third-person POV and stays in Sherlock's POV throughout Part 1 and starting in Part , However, midway through Part 2a, the POV suddenly switches to John. It's alright to switch POVs as long as you don't do it midstream; I'd suggest using John's POV at the beginning of Part 2a to keep the flow going.

Also, throughout Sections 1 and 2, you have some random capitalized words, i.e. Mum (whe nGrieveson says "Your Mum") and Psychiatrists. One more error is the term "pouring over books"--the correct term is "poring over books" (unless Sherlock is pouring liquids on the books. ^^)

The entire section involving the molestation is masterfully written, absolutely chilling in Grieveson's manipulation of Sherlock's fears (of being abnormal) and desires (for knowledge). I can only say Bravo for this part; you don't go into specific descriptions of sex, but you make it very clear why Sherlock carries the trauma with him decades later, and also blames himself. I also applaud John's insight into what is spooking Sherlock--thank you for providing us with John the Doctor, a highly intelligent man on his own.

Now here is where my critique may grow very subjective, so please keep in mind that you don't need to take any of this into account; it's more personal opinion than grammar or drama rules.

You have set a very high bar for yourself in how delicately you handled the complex matter of Sherlock's molestation, so the next part will be critical to the cohesivesness of the entire story. I think that a hasty application of the "healing cock" trope (a popular scenario for many reasons; I'm not judging it) could negatively affect the believability of the story.

As a doctor and a friend/lover, John understands that Sherlock is suffering from a highly damaging psychological wound, so rushing him into a full sexual experience would not be his wisest move at this point. Sherlock has to re-learn trust on so many levels, including trust in himself and his own physical reactions. I feel that you as a writer possess the skills to accurately depict this process, so my advice as a reader is to not rush yourself into writing a sex scene immediately following Part 2. Nor do you have to force yourself to be explicit, if you're uncomfortable with that. As you have shown in your earlier sections, it's the emotions behind the acts that are the most enthralling to a reader.

Finally, you asked about "Educare" as a title. To me, that sounds somewhat removed, like a government program for education. I can't suggest a great title, either ("In your hands" is sticking in my head at this moment), but I'd suggest combing through some of your quotes or lines after you're finished writing to see if there is a phrase that conveys the eventual and complete trust Sherlock places in John.

I've greatly enjoyed what you have written so far, and I'm looking forward to the rest!


Crit for university!AU abusive M/J

Nervously, I was wondering if anyone could offer concrit on my university!AU? Advanced Chemistry, 'Sherlock knows that anyone stupid enough to put up with his brother's abusive tendencies is clearly not worth his time. At least, that is until Mycroft turns up for the weekend with his latest boyfriend - a med student named John.'

Not been run through with a beta. Any help at all, thank you.

Re: Crit for university!AU abusive M/J

(Anonymous)
My two cents:
Overall, this story is such a win. I like that Sherlock kind of genuinely cares about John but it's not overdone to the point of OC ness. It interacts with the canon in lurvely ways (adding this overtone of
protectiveness for John to all their interactions.)
-The characterization of creepy!Mycroft was totally spot-on. It explains Sherlock's animosity in the series in a satisfying way. I would encourage you to go even deeper into that- what are specific anecdotes/details of that creepy possessive behavior?
-I love the structure of the story, I think all the scenes can stay where they are. But I think you could add another layer of physical description- what do they look and move like when they're young?- to explore how they've changed by the last scene. Also, I'd like to see more of Sherlock's thought processes when he's a college student.
-"Mike and Limp" - Awesome turn of phrase. So Sherlock.

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